The Safe for GMC Joke Thread
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The woman is very concerned that she has not had a date or sex in quite some time,
so she decides to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommends that she see the well known sex therapist, Dr Lil Johnny.
So she goes to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Lil Johnny says, "OK take off all your crose."
The woman does as she is asked.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again the woman does as she is instructed.
Dr. Lil Johnny then says, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she does.
Dr.Lil Johnny shakes his head slowly and says, "'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried the woman asked anxiously "Oh my god, Dr Lil Johonny, what is Ed Zachary Disease ?"
Dr Lil Johnny Chang sighs deeply and replies "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look edzachary like your arss"..... ...
so she decides to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommends that she see the well known sex therapist, Dr Lil Johnny.
So she goes to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Lil Johnny says, "OK take off all your crose."
The woman does as she is asked.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again the woman does as she is instructed.
Dr. Lil Johnny then says, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she does.
Dr.Lil Johnny shakes his head slowly and says, "'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried the woman asked anxiously "Oh my god, Dr Lil Johonny, what is Ed Zachary Disease ?"
Dr Lil Johnny Chang sighs deeply and replies "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look edzachary like your arss"..... ...
Thats the Donalds Parade in perspective !
Johnny started working in the lumber mill.
Since he was very inexperienced, he had an accident and
all of his fingers were cut off by a machine. Terrified,
he quickly ran to the doctor to stop his hands from bleeding.
- Doctor, my fingers have been cut off.
I need you to stop my bleeding!
- Where are your fingers?
- I left them on the floor by the machine!
- Are you crazy? We have the 21st century!
Microsurgery is highly developed and
sewing back fingers is a simple medical procedure.
Why didn’t you bring them with you?
- Doctor, how the hell did you want me to pick them up?
Since he was very inexperienced, he had an accident and
all of his fingers were cut off by a machine. Terrified,
he quickly ran to the doctor to stop his hands from bleeding.
- Doctor, my fingers have been cut off.
I need you to stop my bleeding!
- Where are your fingers?
- I left them on the floor by the machine!
- Are you crazy? We have the 21st century!
Microsurgery is highly developed and
sewing back fingers is a simple medical procedure.
Why didn’t you bring them with you?
- Doctor, how the hell did you want me to pick them up?
The high price of romance!
Dad has been away for a some time serving his country and
has a romantic evening planned for he and his wife.
He gives the two older kids tickets to the movie but
could not persuade the youngest boy Lil Johnny, to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with Lil Johnny.
If Lil Johnny will go sit on the curb in front of their house,
Daddy will give him $5 bucks for every man he sees go wearing a red hat.
Much Later Lil Johnny runs into the house and
bangs on the bedroom door shouting:
"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there,
you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."
Dad has been away for a some time serving his country and
has a romantic evening planned for he and his wife.
He gives the two older kids tickets to the movie but
could not persuade the youngest boy Lil Johnny, to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with Lil Johnny.
If Lil Johnny will go sit on the curb in front of their house,
Daddy will give him $5 bucks for every man he sees go wearing a red hat.
Much Later Lil Johnny runs into the house and
bangs on the bedroom door shouting:
"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there,
you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."
Lil Johnny wants a job as a signalman on the railways.
He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized
that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Lil Johnny replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”
“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.
“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Lil Johnny,
“and I’d use the manual lever over there.”
“What if that had been struck by lightning?”
“Then,” Lil Johnny answered, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“Well in that case,” persevered Lil Johnny,
“I’d rush down out of the box and
use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”
“What if that was vandalized?”
“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked Lil Johnny, “Why would you do that?”
Lil Johnny says, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”
He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized
that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Lil Johnny replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”
“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.
“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Lil Johnny,
“and I’d use the manual lever over there.”
“What if that had been struck by lightning?”
“Then,” Lil Johnny answered, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“Well in that case,” persevered Lil Johnny,
“I’d rush down out of the box and
use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”
“What if that was vandalized?”
“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked Lil Johnny, “Why would you do that?”
Lil Johnny says, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”
Lil johnny is sitting at the table doing his English homework.
He looks over at his dad and says,
Dad I need the definition of two words, "Potential and Reality".
His dad says, "Ill do better than that, and give you an example."
" Go into the kitchen to your mother and asked her if for a million bucks if
she'd sleep with Robert Redford, and than go to your sisters room and
ask her for a million bucks if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt."
So lil Johnny not knowing what dad was up to did as he was told.
He goes to the kitchen and asked, "Mom for a million bucks would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
Mom blushes and in a hushed voice says, "Yes, yes I would."
So he than he goes to his sisters room and asked,
"Sis, for a million bucks would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
Sis looks at him and says, "Yes, yes I would."
Lil Johnny goes back into the living room and says, "Dad I think I get it.
We are potentially sitting on a couple million bucks,
but in reality we're living with a couple of sluts."
He looks over at his dad and says,
Dad I need the definition of two words, "Potential and Reality".
His dad says, "Ill do better than that, and give you an example."
" Go into the kitchen to your mother and asked her if for a million bucks if
she'd sleep with Robert Redford, and than go to your sisters room and
ask her for a million bucks if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt."
So lil Johnny not knowing what dad was up to did as he was told.
He goes to the kitchen and asked, "Mom for a million bucks would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
Mom blushes and in a hushed voice says, "Yes, yes I would."
So he than he goes to his sisters room and asked,
"Sis, for a million bucks would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
Sis looks at him and says, "Yes, yes I would."
Lil Johnny goes back into the living room and says, "Dad I think I get it.
We are potentially sitting on a couple million bucks,
but in reality we're living with a couple of sluts."
A guy took a blonde out on a date one night.
Eventually, they ended up parked at 'lovers point'
where they started making out. After things
started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky.
After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date,
"Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought,
maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and
skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot,
so he asks again, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty,
and she even has his pants unzipped.
Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want
to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he asks the blonde, "Well, why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
Eventually, they ended up parked at 'lovers point'
where they started making out. After things
started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky.
After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date,
"Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought,
maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and
skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot,
so he asks again, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty,
and she even has his pants unzipped.
Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want
to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he asks the blonde, "Well, why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
Ever since we got married,
my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and
running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well,
enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter
because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved,
she just isn't good enough for me," said Lil Johnny
my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and
running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well,
enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter
because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved,
she just isn't good enough for me," said Lil Johnny
Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called Lil Johnny over and
bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Lil Johnny is disappointed !...
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"
Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Lil Johnny
could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.
Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.
"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.
"Ten years is plenty for me."
Lil Johnny spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"
The monkey graciously agreed.
Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years.
The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.
Again, Lil Johnny asked , "can I have the other ten years?"
The lion graciously agreed.
Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years.
But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient.
Once again, Lil Johnny pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"
And so, it all makes perfect sense now...
Lil Johnny has twenty years of normal sex life,
ten years of monkeying around,
ten years of lion about it and
ten years of making an ass of himself.
bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Lil Johnny is disappointed !...
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"
Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Lil Johnny
could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.
Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.
"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.
"Ten years is plenty for me."
Lil Johnny spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"
The monkey graciously agreed.
Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years.
The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.
Again, Lil Johnny asked , "can I have the other ten years?"
The lion graciously agreed.
Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years.
But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient.
Once again, Lil Johnny pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"
And so, it all makes perfect sense now...
Lil Johnny has twenty years of normal sex life,
ten years of monkeying around,
ten years of lion about it and
ten years of making an ass of himself.
Lil Johnny is in the middle of a few projects around at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. He is hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. He has old work clothes on. Lil Johnny knows the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these projects He realizes he needs to run to Home Depot for supplies.
Depending on Lil Johnnys age he might do the following:
In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some
hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
And yes, Lil Johnny went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone lil Johnny went to school with.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is Lil Johnnys daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't
want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt any more
because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember --
the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but Lil Johnny doesn't have his glasses on, so he's not sure.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares atLil Johnny and he realizes his balls are hanging out the hole in the crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.
So Lil Johnny in his 90s and beyond: Says
"What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?"
Right in the middle of these projects He realizes he needs to run to Home Depot for supplies.
Depending on Lil Johnnys age he might do the following:
In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some
hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
And yes, Lil Johnny went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone lil Johnny went to school with.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is Lil Johnnys daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't
want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt any more
because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember --
the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but Lil Johnny doesn't have his glasses on, so he's not sure.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares atLil Johnny and he realizes his balls are hanging out the hole in the crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.
So Lil Johnny in his 90s and beyond: Says
"What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?"
At one point during a game, the coach says to one of his young players,
Lil Johnny, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
Lil Johnny now just a little boy nods in the affirmative.
"Do you understand, Lil Johnny, that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
Again Lil Johnny just a little boy nods yes.
"So," the coach continues, Lil Johnny, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first,
you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire."
Lil Johnny, "Do you understand all that?"
Again Lil Johnny just a little boy nods.
"Good," says the coach.
"Now Lil Johnny, go over there and explain it to your mother."
Lil Johnny, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
Lil Johnny now just a little boy nods in the affirmative.
"Do you understand, Lil Johnny, that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
Again Lil Johnny just a little boy nods yes.
"So," the coach continues, Lil Johnny, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first,
you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire."
Lil Johnny, "Do you understand all that?"
Again Lil Johnny just a little boy nods.
"Good," says the coach.
"Now Lil Johnny, go over there and explain it to your mother."