The Safe for GMC Joke Thread

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Route_66

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You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example...
1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider this-it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
 
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Rob goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled.
Lil Johnny, the dentist takes out a needle to give Rob a shot of Novocain.
"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles."
Lil Johnny, the dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas
but the man again objects. "No gas, the mask on my face is suffocating to me."
Lil Johnny the dentist then asks if Rob has any objection to taking a pill.
"No," said Rob, "I'm fine with pills."
Lil Johnny, the dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
Rob asks, "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill."
"It doesn't," says Lil Johnny, the dentist
"but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."
 
A young woman brought her fiancé, Lil Johnny home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," Lil Johnny replies.
"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," Lil Johnny replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," Lil Johnny said,
"God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father.
"How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied Lil Johnny.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned,
the young idealist, Lil Johnny insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answered, "He has no job and no plans,
and he thinks I'm God!"
 
Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope…🤣
 
Lil Johnny now an adult has had a hard day !
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and
decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house,
he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house,
he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer,
he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and
I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and
all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
So Lil johnny never to miss a moment asks,
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
 
Mike and Lil Johnny are two old retired widowers
who reside close to each other and
do constant welfare checks on each other.
Much of their relationship is based on
pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee,
Mike opens the morning paper and
turns to the obituaries page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realized that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier,
was in preparation for this event.
He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Lil Johnny up.
"Lil Johnny, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Lil Johnny sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Lil Johnny, open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Lil Johnny, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Lil Johnny, open the paper to page 31 !"
"All right, don't be such a pta so early in the morning .
So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Lil Johnny, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Lil Johnny, read the story on the bottom of the column !"
"OK, OK, I got the column and reading it, if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Lil Johnny comes on the line quietly and asks,
"So Mike, where are you calling me from ?"
evilgrin0007.gif
 
Little Johnny comes home from Sunday School with a black eye.
His father asks what happened. Johnny says it wasn’t his fault.
“We were all in the church” Johnny says.
“We all stood and the lady in front of me had her dress in her butt crack
so I pulled it out and she hit me!” “Johnny” said his Dad. “There are certain things you just don’t do.”
Alas, next Sunday Johnny came home with another shiner.
“Now what?” asked his Dad. Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault!
We were told to stand and when we did I saw the lady in front of me
had her dress stuck in the crack of her butt.
Like you told me, I wasn’t gonna touch it but the kid sitting next to me pulled it out.
You said that wasn’t cool, right? So I pushed it back in!” .....(y)
 
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Lil Johnny now an elderly man had just returned to his home
from an evening of religious service when he is startled by an intruder.
As he has caught the man in the act of looting his home of its valuables,
He yells, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" ... [Turn from your sin]
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
Then Lil Johnny calmly called the police and explained what he has done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All Lil Johnny, the old man did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "He said he had an axe and two 38s!" ....:cool:
 
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Lil Johnny is the public toilets and had just sat down,
a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi!, how are you?"
Embarrassed, Lil Johnny says, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to ?"
So; Lil Johnny says, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!".
From next door, "Can I come over?".
So annoyed, Lil Johnny answers, "rather busy right now".
The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back,
there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."
 
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and
loved to charge around the nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and
getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic
the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Lil Johnny stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,'
he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Lil Johnny once again popped out in front of her and
shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Lil Johnny nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Lil Johnny again stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!' .....🤣
 
The Wife was having a passionate affair with Lil Johnny,
a inspector from the pest-control company..
On the Afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together
when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to Lil Johnny her lover,
"into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and
after a search of the bedroom discovered Lil Johnny in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm inspector Lil Johnny from Bugs-B-Gone,' says Lil Johnny.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' says Lil Johnny
'And where are your clothes?' asked Her husband.
Well; Lil Johnny thinks for a quick moment
while he looks himself over and says,
'Those little *******s!'..
 
A police officer responds to a terrible wreck scene,
where a Male and Female passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage 3 year old Lil Johnny comes up to the Officer near the crash scene.
The officer looked down at Lil Johnny and said, "I would like for you to describe what happened here."
So Lil Johnny looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, Lil Johnny a 3 year old shakes his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," nodded 3 year old Lil Johnny.
"What happened?"
Lil Johnny pretends to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
Lil Johnny shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
Lil Johnny pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
Lil Johnny shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
Lil Johnny motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
Lil Johnny shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying these victims were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
Lil Johnny nods his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" Says 3 year old Lil Johnny ! ....
 
Lil Johnny, a new retiree-greeter at Waldo World,
just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven,
sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and
obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called Lil Johnny into the office for a talk.
Lil Johnny, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,
you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yea, I know boss, and I am working on it." say Lil Johnny
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired
from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral Lil Johnny, can I get your coffee, sir?"
 
Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called Lil Johnny over and
bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Lil Johnny is disappointed !...
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"
Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Lil Johnny
could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.
Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.
"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.
"Ten years is plenty for me."
Lil Johnny spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"
The monkey graciously agreed.
Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years.
The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.
Again,Lil Johnny asked , "can I have the other ten years?"
The lion graciously agreed.
Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years.
But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient.
Once again, Lil Johnny pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"
And so, it all makes perfect sense now...
Lil Johnny has twenty years of normal sex life,
ten years of monkeying around,
ten years of lion about it and
ten years of making an ass of himself.
 
Lil Johnny asks, "Is the, (More Flatulence), the worser the relationship goes, Theory of Everything !" ...
firejump.gif
 
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Lil Johny looses his watch at a party.
Then saw a guy step on it while he was harassing a girl.
So Lil Johnny walks up to the dude and
punched him right in the nose.
So Lil Johnny said, "No one does that to a girl.... Not on my watch!"
 
SaJa, An artist asked the gallery owner
if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman name of Lil Johnny
inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed,
"What's the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied,
"That guy, Lil Johnny's, your Doctor."
 
Apple Does It Again!
Apple announced today that it has developed
a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iboob will cost from $499 to $699,
depending on cup size, speaker size,
and storage capacity.
This is considered a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about
men staring at their Boobs and not listening to them. ....
biglaugh.gif
 
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